Meanwhile in the U.K. our Minister for Safeguarding Women and girls Jess Philips has refused to order a public inquiry into the mass racialised abuse of girls in numerous U.K. cities by Pakistani and other Muslim men. That coercive systematic rape of white working class girls was ignored and de-prioritised by every level of the alleged “safeguarding” bureaucracy from social workers addled by critical race theory, to police who would rather ignore it to preserve “community cohesion. The fact that a murderous Rwandan immigrant with Islamist sympathies murdered children at a Taylor Swift dance class is “safeguarded” while those who erupted in anger and rage where quickly crushed under the wheels of Starmer’s two tier justice, shows that “safeguarding” us about protecting hateful minorities and using women as a Trojan horse.
Because they pretend to be someone different before they get married. Because the coercive woman often enters a marriage with a full blown scenario of what that marriage will look like and what the husband ‘should’ provide. The terrible behaviour comes out only after she doesn’t get what she wanted.
But when a woman is beaten up in a violent marriage is your first thought ‘I wonder what she did to bring this on herself?’
BTW…if you are a young male, and you marry, and your partner starts to exhibit sociopathic/narcissistic/abusive behaviours, LEAVE. Right away. Same as for a woman. You get married and your husband starts doing something really nasty - LEAVE. Don’t work on it. Don’t go to counseling. The chances of you ‘counseling’ this away is slim to none. Yeah, it is theoretically possible. You can negotiate or counsel away domestic chore differences, even the odd sexual issue, if it isn’t a deeply seated problem, and some minor financial issues. But Personality Disorders can not be negotiated away.
When a man has a wife who behaves abominably it’s like, oh , women. Like anyone with a moral compass would cheat on their husband and then try to take his assets. That’s a bad person.
As far as an abusive husband, I definitely wouldn’t blame the wife. I would definitely not think that no woman should get married because every man would beat his wife if he got the chance, if the law allowed.
I would assume that she missed something when she married him, that she had abuse in her background so red flags didn’t alarm her.
“Women like dangerous men”- getting involved with a man a woman herself considers dangerous is a very stupid thing to do.
Some people are basically whole, some people are not. The abusers are definitely not okay.
Usually a victim has been victimized before.
But with a man, the story goes that he has no baggage and chose a totally normal woman and then bam.
So you most definitely have a point.
I don’t think I am blaming the man as much as I am saying that an abusive woman, like an abusive man, is not representative of their sex as a whole.
In the UK 30% of all reported domestic violence has a male victim. Its almost certain that this is vastly underrepresented. In the whole of the there are only 2 male refuges to Domestic violence. Female Domestic violence, appalling and dreadful, have 240 refuges. The police have a concerted campaign, rightly so, fir violence against women and girls. Men get nothing.
Kudos to the OP, who I think is a national treasure.
But I can't handle so many hand-wringing contemplations of the brutality that can be dished out by some women. Too victimy.
Men: Are we not Men? These abusive / violence scenarios and relationships can be avoided by noticing them very early on.
Proactive awareness of realtime relating is protective awareness. Intend to give it attention.
(Remember, we except the love we think we deserve. If you value yourself internally, you will not *need* to trade against your values to get your emotional needs met, sexual needs met. You won't need to keep putting yourself in that position. )
Familiarise yourself with the flow of emotions.
Become more nimble, more sophisticated emotionally...
Yes, and give away sucking down cans and talking about trivial rubbish at barbecues.... Emotions are very interesting and worthy of noticing and talking about.
If you don't, you're a walking patsy. You're travelling in unfamiliar country, with no equipment or skills.
"Gee, I hope no one takes advantage of my good nature, or exploits my generousness."
Others cannot do for you what you are not doing for yourself.
To get started, join a fellowship that discusses realtime emotions and the cultivation of self-valuing.
Where? Could be a men's group, could be a very particular selection of your friends.
And there are many Name fellowships (with titles) across the land. 'Mankind' has a go at it, and *can be* helpful depending on who is in the particular local group. I went for about 4 years. There's also CoDA and fellowships like that.
What defines corruption ? Is the system corrupt? Is The system designed by solicitors and lawyers and judges who have a conflict of interest when it comes to creating an injust unequal biased gendered stereotyped system to create argument and debate in order to create jobs for the legal profession and universities coming through the system at the expense of bringing family values down divide and rule
Thank you for sharing your article on coercive control. As a middle-aged tall white male of European background, I've often felt that I should remain silent amidst the #MeToo movement and discussions on inequality. While I agree that minorities face greater challenges, the push to eliminate these issues sometimes feels counterproductive and discriminatory towards people like me.
A few weeks ago, I told my partner, who is a narcissist, that I wanted a separation. I would have left long ago, but we have two young boys. She is controlling and manipulative; whether it's coercive control or not, it's challenging to prove. She recently took "her" car away from me, accusing me of ruining it. I wrote about this incident in my latest post, which you might find interesting.
My lawyer advised me to be extremely cautious, especially with the recent focus on violence against women. As a tall, white, German man, I find myself under general suspicion from the outset.
Thank you for raising a voice for people in situations like mine. Your work is incredibly important and much appreciated.
I am lucky to have a wife who is not violent and does not exercise coercive control in any form, and I am the same.
It must also be truly horrible to be falsely accused and dragged through a justice system that has little interest in ensuring that truth is rewarded over good story-telling, or good acting performances.
It also makes me feel somewhat at a loss that our politicians have found that promoting legislation to allow these traits to flourish, somehow makes them feel more secure with their need to get re-elected.
Along with their lapdogs in the mainstream media, there appears to be no limit to the depths to which they will stoop.
Terry, some might call you lucky with respect to that comment when you referred to your supportive wife, but you are not alone or in the minority. The MSM will can you for it - evil men.
What I have found in talking to women who find that a male has been thrown to the wolves via the many Courts, is that predominately two responses often occur:
1. "Well, he must have done something wrong to cause that situation", and after that initial response it can be a "case closed". Game set and match. But....
2. What is happening more now is that supportive women of males, when they come across sisters, aunties, mothers etc seeing males alienated from their children, and, by proxy, the many supportive women who are then alienated, who have been formerly blind to how easy it is to delete men and their children. Those women now are raising red flags, and it is about time.
Society is always quick to assume men are guilty of something , all it takes is an accusation and men are once again forced to prove their innocence instead of the accusers proving guilt. There is a naivety in Western countries which assumes that the courts and police are always right and if a man is accused or charged or served with a DV order then he MUST have done something wrong and therefore deserves what he gets.
But such a mindset can have fatal consequences , a case from WA shows how self righteousness can go too far. Mr Ly Tong of Beechboro WA. was fatally shot by two police officers in his own home , he was unarmed and had done nothing wrong.
His family was devastated and wanted the police to charge the officer , but they refused and tried to blame Ly for his own death , claiming that he was hostile and of poor character , because there had been a DV order placed on him , in other words “ he deserved to be killed” .
Normally there is an enquiry into deaths at the hands of police, whether the deceased was armed or not.
The enquiries are normally handled by a separate police division, often referred to as "Ethical Standards". There are a few recently that have occurred in WA, many in remote communities.
Hopefully Mr Ly's family have also looked at addressing his death beyond any police-directed investigations.
A major part of the DV processing takes on a bigger emphasis due to constant media pressure that is intent on determining and then judging blame, often ignoring any statistical basis for so doing. This filters through to the police and eventually the courts, and also via a well-funded and government backed support base.
The WA police have shown over many years and many similar cases that they can’t be trusted to conduct their own internal investigations without being openly biased in favour of themselves.
But the Ly Tong case has been a challenge to their usual whitewash and cover ups ,Ly’s family the Tongs ( Ly,being his first name ) would not give up easily and got a coroners inquest against all odds , but this was a set up from the start, the coroner was very easy on the police officers and also seemed to blame Ly for his own death. The Tongs appealed the coroners decision and won a right to appeal to the Supreme Court. The saga continues and now over 18 months later they are still waiting for a date for this hearing . No doubt the police would like it to all go away and are stalling the case as long as possible.
What is certain is that if this case was ever brought before a jury in a properly conducted trial the jury would almost certainly find the police officer guilty , given the known facts of the case .
And that’s the reason why the police never charged the officer , they know that police procedures and training would also be on trial.
It’s the same in most states , police investigating themselves is open to abuse . Other more advanced countries have independent investigations for police misconduct , so why not Australia ? The conference on innocence might be the start of big changes to the whole justice system , not before time.
Victoria's Family Violence Benchbook is THE manual applied by enforcement and judicial services in the state. It's a remarkable read. Originally created in 2004 I summarised some of it a decade ago on the AVFM blog but thought the manual wasn't in use any more. Wrongly as it turns out.
The section titled "Responding to men who claim to be victims of family violence" is a real highlight for me. As an example..."Women, if they feel safe enough, may undertake small acts of retaliation, which can be construed as ‘evidence’ of a pattern of violence on their part."
All the systems and institutions in our communities are being weaponised in line with the aggressive strategies preferred by women. It will not end well.
Excellent article Bettina, THANK YOU for sharing your concern for the presumption of innocence. As a side note: The Matriarchy is so ingrained in the western world that even in THIS article, the symbol of justice is portrayed as a pagan>fe-MALE Goddess holding a TIPPED SCALE in HER in her own favor. It may seem trivial that justice in the west is symbolized by the image of a scantily clad wo-MAN tipping the scale in her own favor. I think not. Even the statue of liberty was a gift from free masonry luminaries, and it is based on the Babylonian Goddess Ishtar, Isis, Athena, and the Roman Goddess Libertas. I see even our symbols of justice as the pagan worship of wo-MEN, and being part of the problem!
Meanwhile in the U.K. our Minister for Safeguarding Women and girls Jess Philips has refused to order a public inquiry into the mass racialised abuse of girls in numerous U.K. cities by Pakistani and other Muslim men. That coercive systematic rape of white working class girls was ignored and de-prioritised by every level of the alleged “safeguarding” bureaucracy from social workers addled by critical race theory, to police who would rather ignore it to preserve “community cohesion. The fact that a murderous Rwandan immigrant with Islamist sympathies murdered children at a Taylor Swift dance class is “safeguarded” while those who erupted in anger and rage where quickly crushed under the wheels of Starmer’s two tier justice, shows that “safeguarding” us about protecting hateful minorities and using women as a Trojan horse.
Or some might say mind altering screams.
Which is why men trade them in…..
There are good women and bad women.
Left out of the discussion is the reason why ill-treated men picked that particular woman to begin with. That would be informative.
Because they pretend to be someone different before they get married. Because the coercive woman often enters a marriage with a full blown scenario of what that marriage will look like and what the husband ‘should’ provide. The terrible behaviour comes out only after she doesn’t get what she wanted.
But when a woman is beaten up in a violent marriage is your first thought ‘I wonder what she did to bring this on herself?’
BTW…if you are a young male, and you marry, and your partner starts to exhibit sociopathic/narcissistic/abusive behaviours, LEAVE. Right away. Same as for a woman. You get married and your husband starts doing something really nasty - LEAVE. Don’t work on it. Don’t go to counseling. The chances of you ‘counseling’ this away is slim to none. Yeah, it is theoretically possible. You can negotiate or counsel away domestic chore differences, even the odd sexual issue, if it isn’t a deeply seated problem, and some minor financial issues. But Personality Disorders can not be negotiated away.
You make a good point.
When a man has a wife who behaves abominably it’s like, oh , women. Like anyone with a moral compass would cheat on their husband and then try to take his assets. That’s a bad person.
As far as an abusive husband, I definitely wouldn’t blame the wife. I would definitely not think that no woman should get married because every man would beat his wife if he got the chance, if the law allowed.
I would assume that she missed something when she married him, that she had abuse in her background so red flags didn’t alarm her.
“Women like dangerous men”- getting involved with a man a woman herself considers dangerous is a very stupid thing to do.
Some people are basically whole, some people are not. The abusers are definitely not okay.
Usually a victim has been victimized before.
But with a man, the story goes that he has no baggage and chose a totally normal woman and then bam.
So you most definitely have a point.
I don’t think I am blaming the man as much as I am saying that an abusive woman, like an abusive man, is not representative of their sex as a whole.
https://bettinaarndt.substack.com/p/women-are-great-at-coercive-control/comment/83731027?r=2z8wkz&utm_medium=ios
My original comment is actually saying just that.
Victim blaming.
Such a shame. 🧐
I hear your point.
But I am not victim blaming. I am saying that abusive women are not normal.
What about people with disabilities with revolvers?
Oh that’s right it’s ‘stralia.
Yes, but they do have poison spiders. If you are disabled keep a few in a jar.
No way this gets abused. Oof.
In the UK 30% of all reported domestic violence has a male victim. Its almost certain that this is vastly underrepresented. In the whole of the there are only 2 male refuges to Domestic violence. Female Domestic violence, appalling and dreadful, have 240 refuges. The police have a concerted campaign, rightly so, fir violence against women and girls. Men get nothing.
Kudos to the OP, who I think is a national treasure.
But I can't handle so many hand-wringing contemplations of the brutality that can be dished out by some women. Too victimy.
Men: Are we not Men? These abusive / violence scenarios and relationships can be avoided by noticing them very early on.
Proactive awareness of realtime relating is protective awareness. Intend to give it attention.
(Remember, we except the love we think we deserve. If you value yourself internally, you will not *need* to trade against your values to get your emotional needs met, sexual needs met. You won't need to keep putting yourself in that position. )
Familiarise yourself with the flow of emotions.
Become more nimble, more sophisticated emotionally...
Yes, and give away sucking down cans and talking about trivial rubbish at barbecues.... Emotions are very interesting and worthy of noticing and talking about.
If you don't, you're a walking patsy. You're travelling in unfamiliar country, with no equipment or skills.
"Gee, I hope no one takes advantage of my good nature, or exploits my generousness."
Others cannot do for you what you are not doing for yourself.
To get started, join a fellowship that discusses realtime emotions and the cultivation of self-valuing.
Where? Could be a men's group, could be a very particular selection of your friends.
And there are many Name fellowships (with titles) across the land. 'Mankind' has a go at it, and *can be* helpful depending on who is in the particular local group. I went for about 4 years. There's also CoDA and fellowships like that.
Yes scream at all non stud males to jump off the cliff
What defines corruption ? Is the system corrupt? Is The system designed by solicitors and lawyers and judges who have a conflict of interest when it comes to creating an injust unequal biased gendered stereotyped system to create argument and debate in order to create jobs for the legal profession and universities coming through the system at the expense of bringing family values down divide and rule
Hi Bettina
Good to see you on Substack now.
Best of luck with it all.
Hi Bettina,
Thank you for sharing your article on coercive control. As a middle-aged tall white male of European background, I've often felt that I should remain silent amidst the #MeToo movement and discussions on inequality. While I agree that minorities face greater challenges, the push to eliminate these issues sometimes feels counterproductive and discriminatory towards people like me.
A few weeks ago, I told my partner, who is a narcissist, that I wanted a separation. I would have left long ago, but we have two young boys. She is controlling and manipulative; whether it's coercive control or not, it's challenging to prove. She recently took "her" car away from me, accusing me of ruining it. I wrote about this incident in my latest post, which you might find interesting.
My lawyer advised me to be extremely cautious, especially with the recent focus on violence against women. As a tall, white, German man, I find myself under general suspicion from the outset.
Thank you for raising a voice for people in situations like mine. Your work is incredibly important and much appreciated.
Best regards,
Walter
In my experience throughout my career as a nurse, coercive control is extremely prevalent within the nursing profession.
It is covert, it is hidden and easily deniable.
I am lucky to have a wife who is not violent and does not exercise coercive control in any form, and I am the same.
It must also be truly horrible to be falsely accused and dragged through a justice system that has little interest in ensuring that truth is rewarded over good story-telling, or good acting performances.
It also makes me feel somewhat at a loss that our politicians have found that promoting legislation to allow these traits to flourish, somehow makes them feel more secure with their need to get re-elected.
Along with their lapdogs in the mainstream media, there appears to be no limit to the depths to which they will stoop.
Terry, some might call you lucky with respect to that comment when you referred to your supportive wife, but you are not alone or in the minority. The MSM will can you for it - evil men.
What I have found in talking to women who find that a male has been thrown to the wolves via the many Courts, is that predominately two responses often occur:
1. "Well, he must have done something wrong to cause that situation", and after that initial response it can be a "case closed". Game set and match. But....
2. What is happening more now is that supportive women of males, when they come across sisters, aunties, mothers etc seeing males alienated from their children, and, by proxy, the many supportive women who are then alienated, who have been formerly blind to how easy it is to delete men and their children. Those women now are raising red flags, and it is about time.
Society is always quick to assume men are guilty of something , all it takes is an accusation and men are once again forced to prove their innocence instead of the accusers proving guilt. There is a naivety in Western countries which assumes that the courts and police are always right and if a man is accused or charged or served with a DV order then he MUST have done something wrong and therefore deserves what he gets.
But such a mindset can have fatal consequences , a case from WA shows how self righteousness can go too far. Mr Ly Tong of Beechboro WA. was fatally shot by two police officers in his own home , he was unarmed and had done nothing wrong.
His family was devastated and wanted the police to charge the officer , but they refused and tried to blame Ly for his own death , claiming that he was hostile and of poor character , because there had been a DV order placed on him , in other words “ he deserved to be killed” .
Normally there is an enquiry into deaths at the hands of police, whether the deceased was armed or not.
The enquiries are normally handled by a separate police division, often referred to as "Ethical Standards". There are a few recently that have occurred in WA, many in remote communities.
Hopefully Mr Ly's family have also looked at addressing his death beyond any police-directed investigations.
A major part of the DV processing takes on a bigger emphasis due to constant media pressure that is intent on determining and then judging blame, often ignoring any statistical basis for so doing. This filters through to the police and eventually the courts, and also via a well-funded and government backed support base.
The WA police have shown over many years and many similar cases that they can’t be trusted to conduct their own internal investigations without being openly biased in favour of themselves.
But the Ly Tong case has been a challenge to their usual whitewash and cover ups ,Ly’s family the Tongs ( Ly,being his first name ) would not give up easily and got a coroners inquest against all odds , but this was a set up from the start, the coroner was very easy on the police officers and also seemed to blame Ly for his own death. The Tongs appealed the coroners decision and won a right to appeal to the Supreme Court. The saga continues and now over 18 months later they are still waiting for a date for this hearing . No doubt the police would like it to all go away and are stalling the case as long as possible.
What is certain is that if this case was ever brought before a jury in a properly conducted trial the jury would almost certainly find the police officer guilty , given the known facts of the case .
And that’s the reason why the police never charged the officer , they know that police procedures and training would also be on trial.
It’s the same in most states , police investigating themselves is open to abuse . Other more advanced countries have independent investigations for police misconduct , so why not Australia ? The conference on innocence might be the start of big changes to the whole justice system , not before time.
Victoria's Family Violence Benchbook is THE manual applied by enforcement and judicial services in the state. It's a remarkable read. Originally created in 2004 I summarised some of it a decade ago on the AVFM blog but thought the manual wasn't in use any more. Wrongly as it turns out.
https://resources.judicialcollege.vic.edu.au/article/1053062
The section titled "Responding to men who claim to be victims of family violence" is a real highlight for me. As an example..."Women, if they feel safe enough, may undertake small acts of retaliation, which can be construed as ‘evidence’ of a pattern of violence on their part."
All the systems and institutions in our communities are being weaponised in line with the aggressive strategies preferred by women. It will not end well.
Excellent article Bettina, THANK YOU for sharing your concern for the presumption of innocence. As a side note: The Matriarchy is so ingrained in the western world that even in THIS article, the symbol of justice is portrayed as a pagan>fe-MALE Goddess holding a TIPPED SCALE in HER in her own favor. It may seem trivial that justice in the west is symbolized by the image of a scantily clad wo-MAN tipping the scale in her own favor. I think not. Even the statue of liberty was a gift from free masonry luminaries, and it is based on the Babylonian Goddess Ishtar, Isis, Athena, and the Roman Goddess Libertas. I see even our symbols of justice as the pagan worship of wo-MEN, and being part of the problem!